When we lose someone who was once part of our everyday lives, it can feel as if our world is crumbling down around us. The saying, ‘nothing breaks like a heart’ echoes inside our minds and finally we’ve found out that this is true.
Yes, you can’t live with them, but you soon come to realize that you can’t live without them either. Being stuck in this limbo of ‘I hate you, I love you’ is a horrible place to be. It’s like doing the tango with someone who hits and misses the song’s rhythm in a ridiculous push and pull motion. You think you like the dance, but you are also sick of it.
How in the hell do you get over a breakup? No matter if you were the dumped or the dumper, it will be difficult to move on from something that consumed every part of your being.
The first thing you should realize is that you are not alone, you haven’t been the first person whose heart has been broken and you won’t be the last. People break each other’s hearts. It’s part of human nature. Falling in love is a risk we all take. Opening up your soul, mind, and heart to another human being is bloody daring – so give yourself some slack! You actually had a bond with someone, you were brave in showing vulnerability and entrusting someone with your fragile heart.
Yes, it backfired, but at least you tried.
How Do I Get Over a Break Up?
That depends, right? Was it a mutual agreement? Was it one-sided? Are you already regretting the decision?
All break ups are different. Not one is the same. If you are really serious about moving on, then you can follow my tried and tested steps. I say ‘tried and tested’ because I’ve tried a variety of different techniques, everything, to cut loose from past boyfriends. Every relationship came with different methods of survival, and these are the ones I’ve come to realize work the best. . .
I know your emotions are going totally ape sh*t right now. You feel like screaming and yelling. You want to beg them to take you back, but on the other hand you also want to strangling them for screwing up everything.
Think logically about the situation. Think about the facts. Are you really ready to move on? Do you want them back? Is there actually a future for the two of you? Are you compatible? Were you getting what you needed out of the relationship?
During the first few weeks you might have regrets about leaving the person, or ask yourself countless questions about why they called it quits. It’s important that you keep a level head.
Don’t think about all the great memories you once shared. Think about all the crap that came with it all. Was it more sadness than happiness? Were you just not seeing eye to eye? Were they irritating the living hell out of you whenever they opened their mouth? Could you truly trust them with every ounce of your being?
Breakups usually happen because something is broken and it, in most cases, can’t be fixed. Remind yourself of all these reasons before you find yourself drunk dialing them at 1 in the morning or pitching up at their doorstep.
MAKE A LIST
For the first few weeks, remember all the reasons why you don’t want to be with that person anymore, why it didn’t work out, and why you CAN live without them. If you lose track of all these reasons ask a friend to remind you.
I would text my best friend – “Did I do the right thing? I feel so down today, why am I missing him so much?” to which she will reply a full-length list of reasons why I deserve someone and something better. I would favorite that message and read it every time I felt devalued or resentment.
A good ol’ trusty pros and cons list will also put everything in perspective.
GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM
Cry! Scream! Cry some more! Rant and rave to your friends! Get it all out! Don’t fight your tears, don’t fight your feelings. It’s part of the healing process to get it all out. There is a chance that you might even want to talk to your ex about the pain they caused you. Serve them a piece of your mind.
Even though these bursts of vomit might feel good in the moment, against better judgement, you should try not to.
Lay your heart in front of a friend or family member who, first of all won’t taddle about everything you tell them, and secondly, who understands you and the situation you were in.
Then let it rip!
If you need to drink five too many bottles of tequila in one night – do it! If you want to dance in the middle of the road to you and your ex’ song – go for it! If you want to feel sorry for yourself for a few days while stuffing your face with chocolate and junk food – you are allowed to do it!
Face your emotions, don’t avoid them.
This is a tricky one. Many, and I mean like 89% of the population jump into another relationship directly after a horrible break up. Why? Well, it’s a great distraction and it’s so easy to find someone who don’t mind consoling your broken heart. What’s better than putting a band-aid on a fresh wound with a new shiny toy?
According to literally every relationship expert, this is not the right move to make! Even if the relationship is purely sexual, or a rekindling of a past love – rebounding after heartbreak is a recipe for disaster. Sure, it might feel pretty great in the beginning, but after a few months unresolved feelings will resurface and you’ll be back to the end of the previous relationship all over again.
Not giving yourself time to heal, reflect, and deal with the emotions will only spill over into this new relationship. With your heartbreak you’ll drag along with you a whole lot of insecurities, baggage, and emotion.
‘This relationship was such a waste of time’ and ‘I regret ever having met you’ are typical phrases we use when we are heartbroken. The truth is, yes, perhaps you should’ve left sooner, but you didn’t. Wishing that you did won’t change the course of anything.
So, you have to ask yourself: ‘What did I learn?’ and ‘How can I grow from this?’ When you jump into your next relationship only weeks (or in some cases days) after a serious partnership, you don’t have any time to grow as an individual.
It should definitely be one of your main aims to learn from mistakes and be better and healthier for your next partner.
In most cases, it was not only the one or the other who had faults. It takes two to tango, even if it’s a non-rhythmic, toxic tango there are two dancers in the game called love. Stop pointing fingers to the other person and do some introspection. Nobody’s perfect (okay, I know you are close to it, but there must be something you can improve).
How can you be a better boyfriend or girlfriend? What issues surfaced that you haven’t dealt with. Are you actually ready for a commitment? Do you have trust issues? Should you learn to set higher standards, lower standards, or stricter boundaries?
RE-EVALUATE WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP
This is the perfect time to re-evaluate what you want out of your next relationship. Are there certain deal breakers that you’ve accepted before that knowing what you do now, you will never want in a relationship again?
Sometimes we are so clouded by the smoke created by a cosmic love bomb, that all of our expectations and logic flies out of the window. Yes, there should be chemistry, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship – you might want to consider compatibility, similar interests, beliefs, and values.
Knowing exactly what you want from your next endeavor will ensure that you don’t fall into the same toxic and destructive patterns.
CONTACT OR NO CONTACT?
Many people believe that going complete cold turkey is the best way to remove that person out of your life. If it was an abusive relationship, then absolutely ‘yes’! When it was a loving relationship – then this will definitely be a grey area.
One thing is for sure, whether you decide to check in with each other every now and again or not – you will eventually stop speaking to one another. There is no way on earth that two past lovers can be just friends or sit in the same room as two platonic human beings. Perhaps in a few years, but not right now.
Whether you want to wean yourself off of your ex, cut them off completely, or keep regular contact is completely up to you and your situation. This is hella hard! And something you have to work through and take day by day.
BREAKUPS AND SOCIAL MEDIA
So, you’ve decided to cut contact cold turkey but you find yourself stalking them on every social media platform available. STOP!
BLOCK THEM on all social media. There’s no questions about this! You don’t want to see them enjoying their life without you, you don’t want to see them embracing someone else that’s not you, and you definitely don’t want to be exposed to their pathetic attempt to make you jealous. It will work, so rather avoid seeing it for the moment.
For the love of society – if you did go the quick-rebound route, show some respect and don’t post your new ‘miracle’ relationship all over the world. It’s too fast! Wait at least a few months before you start flaunting new partners.
Unfortunately, this sudden spurt of social media posts is just too damn transparent and most people will see right through your desperate attempt to prove that you are ‘happy’ and ‘over it’. If you really loved your previous partner, you will show them respect in keeping the socials on the down low.
If it makes things easier – don’t hesitate to delete couple photos from your own social profiles. You don’t want to be reminded by good ol’ uncle Facebook about the amazing things you’ve shared in the past.
ACCEPT THE UPS AND DOWNS
There’s no easy way to say this – it’s going to be tough! One day you’ll feel free and relieved and content and then – BANG! In comes the self-doubt and self-pity train. Getting over someone is hard! You’re going to have good days and bad days. From the start, know that this is what awaits you.
Feel consoled in the fact that time truly does heal all wounds. If you take the necessary healthy steps in getting over someone, you will be released from their stronghold and you will be truly emotionally available for someone else.
This is truly the time to hold on to a close friend. Ask for support and comfort when you need it – you are not alone!
MAKE NEW MEMORIES
After you’ve taken some time to cry, to feel sorry for yourself, to give in to your emotions, and to re-evaluate the situation it’s time to get back into the world. Go on adventures with friends and family. Sure, you’ll be thinking about your ex non-stop and perhaps you’ll even be missing their sorry ass. But maybe, just maybe the thought of them won’t even cross your mind and you’ll actually enjoy the activity.
Even if you don’t feel like it – get dressed and do something. Avoid places where you’ll bump into your ex and try activities that you’ve always wanted to.
At first you also might want to avoid doing activities that remind you of them. If playing tennis or watching 12pm movies were your thing – don’t do it just yet. Also, don’t try to recreate these traditions with someone new. Treasure those moments and then move on to new ones.
FOCUS ON ME
I’ve heard so many breakup quotes that state you have to focus on yourself, love yourself, before you can love anyone else. I never knew what that truly meant…until my last break up. I was so mentally and emotionally drained that I had no choice but to stop and take a look at myself.
WTF! I gained 15 kg, I was depressed, anxious, I didn’t like the person I turned into and I looked dull beyond my years. It took me some time to drop the weight, get my anxiety under control, laugh out of my belly again, and rediscover my true inner-happiness. It was a difficult journey – but one well spent on myself.
Self love is so important!
Take one day at a time. One moment. One step. Eventually, you will be ready for something new. Eventually, your heart will be whole again. It won’t happen over night, you will get there. Just power through, don’t turn back and know your worth!
You deserve the best relationship. One that is fulfilling, caring, truthful, and real.